That Sounds Like a Fun, Sexy, Time
by maebyfunkebluth
Summary: This is a crossover like no crossover you've ever read before. Well that's huge lie. It takes all the wonderful [one might say magical] things about Harry Potter and mixes them with the delightful [of the Afternoon variety] world of Arrested Development.


WARNING: CRACK AHOY!!!! This is a Harry Potter/ Arrested Development crossover! Prepare to have your mind blown…

Draco Malfoy sat in his throne in the Slytherin Common Room. He peered over at Goyle who was sitting in a chair shaped like a hand. Crabbe sat at attention near Draco's feet.

"As you know," began Draco, " my father will soon be naming me a partner in the ownership of the Manor-"

"How do you know that?" asked Crabbe.

"He's been dropping hints for weeks. The other day he even said 'howdy partner' to me. At the gala tonight he will announce that I am going to take over the Manor while he goes off and mutilates people or whatever it is he does."

"Are you sure that he isn't just calling you that because of the cowboy phase he's going through?" Goyle asked.

It was true. Lucius Malfoy had taken to wearing a ten-gallon hat and talking with a Texan accent. The gala's theme was "Howdy Pard'ner".

Pansy entered the room.

"Pansy!" Draco exclaimed. "Where have you been?"

"Out," Pansy replied, "at one of my mother's benefits to protect children from skin damage from the Dark Mark. She even set up a tattoo booth."

Pansy's mother, Lady Parkinson, had recently moved to London and held a series of successful benefits for worthy causes. There was the 'Save the Mudblood Ball" where canapés had been served by real enslaved muggleborn witches. The Pureblood Chronicle had even written a front-page article about it, accompanied by a picture of Lady Parkinson sitting on a throne with two muggleborn slaves bound at her feet and a large banner overhead, which read "Save The Mudblood". However, Lady Parkinson had been in hot water after the 'Help the Basilisks Dinner' where boiled snake meat had been served as an entrée.

Pansy, of course, had directly opposed each new cause her mother adopted. Right now, Pansy was wearing a snakeskin jacket with a necklace of teeth that had been viciously pulled from the mouths of muggleborn captives held in the Dark Lord's dungeons.

The four witches and wizards headed off to get ready for the Gala that night.

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Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor dorm, Ron was introducing Hermione to his new girlfriend Lavender. Harry came in the room.

"Oh, who's that?" he asked.

"Lavender," said Ron.

"Who?" asked Harry.

"Lavender Brown." said Ron.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Harry said in a puzzled voice.

"Lavender Brown," Ron repeated, "You've known her since First Year, she's in all of your classes, and I already introduced her to you yesterday."

Harry stood in silence while Ron got more and more frustrated.

"Oh," said Harry, "you mean Lavender Brownie. I call her that because she kind of looks like she ate too many brownies. Lavender Brownie."

Harry had a satisfied look on his face for coming up with such a clever nickname.

Ron sighed.

"Hermione, do you want to come to Hogsmeade with me and Lavender?" he asked.

"Who?" Hermione asked.

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When Draco arrived at the gala he was surprised to find Peter Pettigrew welcoming him.

"Hello!" said Peter cheerily, waving his artificial hand in Draco's face.

"Argh!" yelped Draco.

"How are you doing?" Peter asked, placing his magical hand on Draco's shoulder.

Draco jumped back. Draco had a fear of people with missing limbs that dated back to when he was a child and his father used to teach him lessons, enlisting the help of a werewolf named Fenrir Greyback.

_oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo FLASHBACK oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo_

_A seven-year-old Draco had taken a huge vial full of Shrinking Solution from his father's Potion Cupboard and was currently shrinking the House Elves to the size of ants and trying to step on them. The Solution was quickly used up, and Draco threw the empty vial in the Garbage Banishing Bin in the corner of the room. _

_That afternoon, Lucius's voice rang out through the Manor in an echoing monotone. _

"_Oh no. We seem to have run out of Shrinking Solution. We need to go floo and get more. Draco, come to the fireplace."_

_Draco quickly ran to the main fireplace in the Grand Parlor. _

_Lucius threw a handful of floo powder into the fireplace and intoned "KnockturATCHOOn Alley" completely tonelessly except for the enormous sneeze he let out in the middle of his sentence._

_He motioned for Draco to follow him into the flames. Lucius and Draco stumbled out of the fireplace into a dark cave. Draco's eyes were immediately drawn to a huge man standing in the middle of it. _

"_Oh no. What has gone wrong," Lucius said. _

"_What are you doing in my cave!" the man shouted. "Just for that I'm going to rip the arm off the helpless captive that is lying shackled on the floor!"_

"_How horrible," droned Lucius._

_The man ripped the arm off the captive._

_Draco shrieked. _

"_Oh no," drawled Lucius, "I wish someone had left a note after they used up all of my potion. Then none of this would have happened" _

_The man turned to look Draco straight in the eye. _

"_The lesson is," the man said, "always leave a note."_

_As Draco ran screaming out of the cave he could hear his father's voice faintly._

"_Thanks Fenrir."_

_oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo FLASHBACK oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo oOoOo_

Draco returned to the present. Peter's hand was coming close to him again.

"Can you put that thing somewhere else?!" he yelled.

Draco stalked off and sulked by the punchbowl, which was decorated with little horses and a sign that said "Fill 'er up Cowboy!"

"Hello Draco," said his mother, who naturally was closest to the nearest alcoholic beverage.

"Hello Mother," Draco replied.

"So I've heard that Lucius is going to make his _favorite_ member of the family a partner this year," Narcissa said and tried to wink.

"Don't ever do that again," said Draco in reference to the terrible wink, and tried not to be too happy that he was finally going to be made a partner.

"It's time for the announcement," said Narcissa excitedly.

Lucius walked up to the front of the room.

"As you all know," he began, "I am no longer able to look after the Manor, and I am going to announce who the next partner will be."

Draco began to walk to the front of the room.

"The person who I will announce as the next partner," said Lucius, "is my _favorite_ member of the family."

Draco smirked.

"Narcissa Malfoy!"

Narcissa shrieked and ran to the front of the room.

Draco stared in shock as his mother embraced his father and began to make a speech. .

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Harry and Hermione sat by the Lake as Hermione read a book. Hermione had recently gotten a job at the publishing firm of Flourish & Blotts, even though her employers were under the impression that Hermione was twenty-seven, not seventeen. The book Hermione was currently reading was an unpublished novel written by the warden of Azkaban and it was completely horrible. She threw the book into the lake.

All of a sudden, Hermione could see a figure approach in the distance. It appeared to be a woman of the same build as Mrs. Weasley. The woman also appeared to be singing, and Hermione could make out some lyrics to a muggle song about spoonfuls of sugar and medicine.

The woman was actually Remus Lupin, who had stolen some of Mrs. Weasley's clothing and dressed up like a nanny so he could come to Hogwarts to be closer to Harry. The plot was exactly the same as Mrs. Doubtfire and Mary Poppins.

"Hello!" sang Remus, "I'm Mrs. Moonybottom! Pleased to meet you! Oh, you must be Harry Potter!" he trilled, looking at Harry.

"Hallo Remus," said Harry.

"What?" said Remus, "Did you say Remus? No, I'm not that wonderful man, but I'm sure that wherever she is right now, she would be very proud of you Harry."

"Hello Remus," said Hermione.

"No, no, no," said Remus, getting flustered, "I'm just Mrs. Mooneybottom, a British nanny who loves to take care of children and to sing! _Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine…"_

Remus's voice trailed off. He suddenly put a picnic basket on the ground in front of him.

"I prepared you a nice snack!" he said, "Harry, would you like a banger in your mouth?"

Hermione started coughing.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Would you like a banger in your mouth? You know, a sausage. Would you like a sausage in your mouth?"

"I don't think you know what that means," said Hermione.

"Damnit," Hermione swore under her breath. Her magically activated Galleon had started to vibrate, signaling that she was needed at the publishing house.

"Gotta go," she said and she took off towards the Forbidden Forest, where she had illegally manufactured a Portkey to take her to Flourish & Blotts.

"Harry, darling," said Remus, "is there anything at all I be of service in?"

"Well," said Harry, "my room is pretty messy."

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Ron walked through the corridor, passing a group of first-years who were watching Fred and George show off one of their new products, The Aztec Tomb.

"Are you two doing tricks again?" Ron asked.

"We're performing an _illusion_ Ronald. Tricks are what prostitutes do for money," said George, then he realized the first years were looking at the twins with shocked expressions.

"Or candy!" finished Fred, smiling at the young children.

"I thought Hermione told you two to stop with all of that. Why are you here anyways? Didn't you leave school?"

"We tried to leave," said George

"But the hot Hogwarts birds just keep on bringing us back," said Fred.

"Don't you guys have jobs?" asked Ron.

"We did, but after we gave away the formula to our Color-Changing Cubes Zonko's has blackballed us from selling to anyone," said George.

"So we might not have jobs, but we do have these 4000 galleon robes!" Fred announced.

"When have you worn a 4000 galleon robe?" George asked Ron.

"Oh, that's right," said Fred, "Never."

Flitwick walked by nervously, probably remembering all the years of torture endured at the hands of Fred and George.

"Hey, be careful!" yelled George.

"You just came close to our 4000 galleon robes!" shouted Fred.

"Do you have any idea how expensive these robes are!"

"4000 galleons!"

Flitwick hurried off.

Fred and George waved goodbye to Ron and set off down the corridor.

"Do you know how much these robes cost?" Ron heard Fred asking a third-year.

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Hermione had returned from Flourish & Blotts a little late, because she had been sidetracked with some Order business. She rushed into the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Harry! What have I always said is the most important thing!" she squealed.

"Breakfast," said Harry.

"Family," said Hermione.

"Oh," said Harry, "I thought you meant of the things you eat."

Hermione ignored him.

"You know how I think of you and Ron like family? You're like my cousins. Well, I found a spell that would legally turn us into cousins!"

"No!" yelled Harry.

"Why not?" asked Hermione, who was a little disgruntled.

Before Harry could reply, a familiar figure entered the room.

"Viktor Krum!" the figure yelled, throwing his arms straight up in the air.

It was in fact Viktor Krum. Viktor had been recruited by the order to be an undercover agent at Hogwarts. Although Viktor had already gone to school for nine years at Durmstrang, he still hadn't progressed past the intelligence level of a fourth-year and he would blend in perfectly with the students. Maybe a little too perfectly.

"Viktor Krum!" Hermione repeated dreamily.

"Hello Her-my-own," Viktor said in his thick accent.

"Viktor, would you mind if I did a tiny spell to get rid of that pesky accent pesky for the author to write that is…?" Without waiting for Viktor to respond, Hermione shouted "Articulatia! 

"Viktor Krum!" yelled Viktor again, only this time he sounded like a jock from California.

"Viktor Krum!" sighed Hermione.

"Viktor Krum," grumbled Harry.

"Viktor Krum!" exclaimed Ron in shock.

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At the Gala, Draco was standing still in shock when all of a sudden a group of Aurors burst in.

"Lucius Malfoy, you are under arrest!" the Head Auror shouted as the rest began to throw Stunners at the surprised guests.

"You'll never take me alive!" shouted Lucius, unfortunately at the same moment as he was hit by a powerful binding charm and his arms were tied behind his back.

"Damnit," he muttered.

Later that day, Draco went to go get his father out of Azkaban, where he was surprised to find his father wanted to stay.

"I love it in here," said Lucius, "It's like being on vacation."

Draco reached to shake Lucius to his senses, but a ghostly whisper stopped him.

"Nooo touchiinggg," rasped a Dementor, and Draco felt all his happiness seep out of his body,

"I love this chocolate frog," said Lucius, who was busy eating a chocolate frog, "I am having a love affair with this chocolate frog."

Draco sighed and left.

However, the minute Draco left, Lucius was brought outside to participate in an all inmate cricket game. Unfortunately, a knife fight broke out and the batter on Lucius's team had to be kissed by a Dementor.

That was the moment that Lucius realized he didn't want to stay in Azkaban anymore.

"I've made a huge mistake," he whispered.

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Harry, Ron, Hermione and Krum were all sitting in Potions Class.

"Now," said Snape, "Add the ball of crushed maize to your cauldrons. Remember, _don't touch the edge of your cauldrons!_"

Percy Weasley had had a somewhat successful part-time career as a cauldron manufacturer, and he had devised a series of very cheap cauldrons they had been the recipient of several lawsuits and banned from use in Wizarding Europe. During their short run, a commercial had run on the WWN, the Wizarding Wireless Network:

"I'm Percy Weasley, and this is my new cauldron, it is OW! THIS HAPPENS EVERY GODDAMN TIME!"

At this point in the advertisement, Percy had accidentially touched the side of the cauldron. There was actually three more minutes in the commercial, but they only contained expletives.

In Potions class, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had all added the correct ingredients to their potion. Viktor Krum was doing push-ups on the dungeon floor. Snape was sneering at Neville who had asked to go to the hospital wing and was sporting a severe third-degree burn from the faulty cauldron.

"Snape's such a git," grumbled Harry, "Remember when my dad hung him upside-down in midair? He was wearing cut-off shorts under his robes. What a weirdo."

"It's a common condition!" shouted Snape, overhearing from across the room. " There are dozens of us!"

Snape was wearing the cut-offs because he is a Never-Nude. It's exactly what it sounds like.

"I told you," said Harry, accidentially leaning on his cauldron. "OW! THIS HAPPENS EVERY GODDAMN TIME!"

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George Micheal opened his eyes. "What a cool dream!" he said.


End file.
